Goodbye, Amazon: A cancellation story in seven PDFs and a phone call…

“Hey, Amazon.com!”

Sorry, but you don’t get to market HATE objects to me or my kids. I’ll be sorry to see Woot and IMDB go, and Prime was useful for a while there, but it’s time to part company.

(Click the following “exhibits” to see PDFs of the objects in question, and their “suggested” additional items. I’m not going to provide them with free advertising.)

Amazon.com Exhibit A

Amazon.com Exhibit B

Amazon.com Exhibit C

Disgusting?

Yes, but nowhere near as disgusted as I am with the customer service trap Amazon sets for customers who really, truly want to leave.

Seriously.

The last time I had this much trouble canceling an account was way, way back in the dark ages when I had an AOL account for all of 10 minutes. It took almost an hour to cancel the account after I realized it wasn’t going to serve my purposes, like, ever.

See, there’s this rabbit hole called “Help” that’s supposed to answer all your questions. Just for grins, go to this link and type in the word “close” and then type in “cancel” and see what you get.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/help/customer/display.html/ref=nav_cs_help

Notice how many different ways people have asked the question?

There’s a reason.

Now, click through this link and then click the link that actually says About Closing Your Account.

Lots of scare tactics, right? But do you see, anywhere, a place where you can actually close your account?

No?

Good. You’re not blind. It doesn’t exist.

And when you do go down that rabbit hole, here’s where it eventually leads here:

[AMAZON LOGO]
Your Account Amazon.com
Message From Customer Service
Hello,

I want to make sure that closing your Amazon.com account won’t cause problems with any open transactions or other websites you might visit.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

— If you use your Amazon.com log-in on other sites (e.g. Audible.com, international Amazon sites (co.uk/.fr/.de/.es/.ca/.in/.au/.com.br/.nl/.com.mx) except for Amazon.cn and Amazon.co.jp, etc.), you’ll also lose access to those accounts.
— If you’ve placed orders on AmazonLocal, you’ll no longer have access to your vouchers.
— Any open orders you have will be canceled.
— All subscriptions will be canceled (Amazon Prime, Subscribe and Save, etc.).
— If you have a remaining Amazon.com Gift Card or promotional credit balance, you won’t have access to use the funds.
— Returns and refunds can’t be processed for orders on closed accounts.
— You won’t be able to initiate Textbook Rental returns and will remain responsible for outstanding rentals.
— You won’t be able to access digital content (Kindle, Amazon Video, Amazon Appstore, Digital Music, etc.).
— You won’t be able to re-download content from your Games & Software Library.
— Your Amazon Payments account will be closed and can’t be reopened.
— We can’t transfer the history of an account to another account.
–We will delete your customer profile as well as all your reviews, discussion posts and customer images.
— You’ll no longer have access to your Associates, Amazon Web Services, Seller, Author Central, Kindle Direct Publishing and/or Mechanical Turk accounts.
— If you have an Amazon Web Services account, please contact AWS customer support for assistance with closing your AWS account :
https://aws-portal.amazon.com/gp/aws/html-forms-controller/contactus/aws-account…

If you still want to close your Amazon.com account after reviewing the items above, please write back by visiting this link and state that you want to close your account:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/help/rsvp/rsvp-mi.html?q=acc1

I hope this helps. We look forward to hearing from you.

We’d appreciate your feedback. Please use the links below to tell us about your experience today.

[snipped]

Best regards,
[clueless git]
Did I solve your problem?
Yes No
Your feedback is helping us build Earth’s Most Customer-Centric Company.*
Thank you.
Amazon.com

[*Emphasis mine. –CT]

About Closing Your Account (Amazon.com Exhibit D)

Contact Us (Amazon.com Exhibit E)

What can we help you with? (Amazon.com Exhibit F)

More Information, Please (Amazon.com Exhibit G)

Nowhere. Not on any of the previous screens, not in the email I received after.

They simply do not provide an exit.

It took me a phone call to the supervisor of the first level and a solid 45 minutes to get across to these people that there was no additional activity and that closing the account immediately was the only thing that would satisfy my desire to disengage.

And this is what I disengaged from, when I finally got what I wanted.

THE AMAZON LIST
————

6pm
Score deals on fashion brands

AbeBooks
Rare Books & Textbooks

ACX
Audiobook Publishing Made Easy

Alexa
Actionable Analytics for the Web

Amazon Business
Everything For Your Business

AmazonFresh
Groceries & More Right To Your Door

AmazonGlobal
Ship Orders Internationally

Home Services
Handpicked Pros Happiness Guarantee

Amazon Inspire
Free Digital Educational Resources

Amazon Rapids
Fun stories for kids on the go

Amazon Video Direct
Video Distribution Made Easy

Amazon Web Services
Scalable Cloud Computing Services

Audible
Download Audio Books

BeautyBar . com
Prestige Beauty Delivered

Book Depository
Books With Free Delivery Worldwide

Casa . com
Kitchen, Storage & Everything Home

ComiXology
Thousands of Digital Comics

CreateSpace
Indie Print Publishing Made Easy

Diapers . com
Everything But The Baby

DPReview
Digital Photography

East Dane
Designer Men’s Fashion

Fabric
Sewing, Quilting & Knitting

Goodreads
Book reviews & recommendations

IMDb
Movies, TV & Celebrities

Junglee . com
Shop Online in India

Kindle Direct Publishing
Indie Digital Publishing Made Easy

Prime Now
FREE 2-Hour Delivery on Everyday Items

Prime Photos
Unlimited Photo Storage Free With Prime

Shopbop
Designer Fashion Brands

Soap.com
Health, Beauty & Home Essentials

TenMarks . com
Math Activities for Kids & Schools

Wag.com
Everything For Your Pet

Warehouse Deals
Open-Box Discounts

Whispercast
Discover & Distribute Digital Content

Woot!
Deals and Shenanigans

Yoyo.com
A Happy Place To Shop For Toys

Zappos
Shoes & Clothing

Welcome to the company store. Amazon covers just about everything you could possibly need, filtered through their myopic lenses. And what they don’t have, Wal*Mart does. I wonder whether we will get to the point when we are only paid in Amazon credits or Wal*Mart credits, while real money becomes a thing of the past for the average worker.

I’ve had direct connections to the things above that are italicized. It’s annoying, but I’ll get over it.

 

Your mileage may vary. I’m done and I don’t regret the choice.

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